Avoidance and the Willingness to Feel

I was watching Dr. Emma McAdam in a video on her YouTube channel, Therapy in a Nutshell. The topic she touched on was fascinating and I wish to share it with you in this blog post. When we avoid the "negative" we also limit our ability to feel and enjoy "positive" emotions like joy. Many of us, when hurt, stop caring about the things that use to matter to us. We must certainly become aware that it's not what happens to us that makes us depressed, but how we respond to painful emotions.

The antidote to our apathy, which is a symptom of depressed folks, is to get better at feeling instead of just trying to feel better though the technique of avoidance. Willingness is opening up to all thoughts and feelings, whether painful or pleasant, when doing so takes you in the direction of building a meaningful life.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

― Theodore Roosevelt

"I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time. Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome."

— Brené Brown

Willingness means the ability to sit with and experience what you are currently experiencing. Avoidance is all about trying not to think about the "unpleasant" emotions but instead trying to distract yourself. Avoidance labels things that are painful or uncomfortable as bad. Escape, avoid, shut down.

The Bible encourages us to feel the bad feelings and it promises restoration afterwards. 

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

2 Corinthians 1:5-6 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Psalm 50:15 Call to me in times of trouble. I will save you, and you will honor me.”

Do not avoid your pain, but embrace it with open arms because it is sanctifying you and bringing you closer to the Lord. If we do not limit the scope of the bad days we will be able to fully feel and enjoy the good days as well. But, if we avoid the bad, we won't have the good either. 

MICHAELA